I’m anticipating that there are going to be a lot of blog posts for awhile. I’m going to be doing a lot of stream of consciousness, trying to figure out my “damage”. It might get tedious but I’m hoping the introspection will yield results. Hope you stick with me. Hope it’s helpful reading and that some of it resonates with you.
Gotta keep it out of the house, that’s the conclusion I’m coming to. And it’s a common one and it’s one I’ve offered as a solution to those looking for advice before. If the junk isn’t in the house, you can’t eat it. It’s not even a temptation. So I need to stop bringing it in. Period.
At some point, I stopped believing in myself and my ability to bring about change. I don’t know when and I don’t know why. I’ve dipped a toe into trying to figure out what it is about reaching my goals that trips me up but I haven’t ever really DELVED. What I do know is this: setting goals doesn’t do much for me. At least internal goals. Goals that I share with the world, I seem to do better with. I moved to North Carolina partly because I’d told everyone I was going to. I managed to complete a marathon because I told people I was running it. But for some reason, when it comes to achieving my physical fitness, it hasn’t run the same course. I think part of it could be that I’m embarrassed to announce it as a goal. I know there’s a component of, even though I’m not where I want to be, it’s still way better than when I weighed 174 so I’m fine, I look pretty good, right? But it also doesn’t fit with how I see myself. I like it when I am more fit, more slim, when I actually weigh less so why haven’t I translated that into action?
I remember a girl I knew who gotten a little heavy, was definitely softer than she’d been before and I saw her in the vegan bodybuilding and fitness Facebook page and I totally scoffed. But two years later, she is strong and she is fit and she is slim and she’s achieved her goals. I’d ascribed my own inability to set a goal and work for it to someone else and assumed they wouldn’t be able to do it. And I think that’s a key part of it: the “and working for it ” part. I’ve always been more of a immediate gratification kind of person and when you’re almost 50 and trying to lose fat/weight, you actually have to do stuff to get that gratification; I haven’t done that yet. I make little changes and when I don’t see great results right away I give up. That’s something I need to work on. I need to have the mindset that I am in weight-loss mode and everything I do is for that. It may be single-minded. It may not look good to the outside world. But as long as I’m healthy, I need to block out all the other noise and stick to doing what I know is right for me. Because I haven’t ever really tried. I’ve made little tweaks here and there and gotten those kind of (crappy) results. I need to go balls to the wall, see what that gets me, see what that looks like and experience a little bit of success because that will perpetuate itself.
That being said, today was not a great day. Had coffee and a Kids Clif Bar for breakfast, an Amy’s enchilada with barley for lunch and then an OK dinner with cauliflower rice and refried beans but then I had junky stuff afterwords and then I grabbed a cookie because I’d picked it up and brought it home.
You read all the weight lifting blogs and they all say, don’t focus on weight. Fine, I get it, it doesn’t reflect all the things you need to be looking at and it’s just a number, yada yada. HOWEVER. My sense is, that I need to work on losing weight first and then I can focus on muscle. I know that weight lifting is going to be key for me to actually lose the fat but my initial focus is going to be that pesky number. I am going to back off on the daily weigh-ins though. It’s too easy to get caught up in the day to day ups and downs AND it’s too easy to rationalize a bad day. Once a week, Sunday, that’s my day. I’m starting this Sunday and I’m in it. No junk in the house, no tastes of the girls bars, planning my food, making it ahead so I’m not grabbing
candy Clif bars because I’m hungry. These are steps I’m going to take. I’m excited!
Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll do pictures next time. The good, the bad and the ugly, all of it.